YES. YES. I NEED TO CALL THIS MEETING TO ORDER.
I HAVE THE FEELING THAT MOST OF YOU ARE HERE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, AND I HAVE BEEN AT A CROSSROAD, WONDERING WHETHER TO DELETE THE ASSHOLE KNOWN AS BBC (AS HE DESERVES) OR CARVE HIM A NEW ONE, AS A LOT OF MY READERS HAVE REQUESTED.
I HAVE BEEN INUNDATED WITH EMAIL SUPPORT, HUMORBLOGGER'S SUPPORT, AND, AS YOU WILL SEE, TOTAL SUPPORT ON MY COMMENT SECTION.
BBC SENT ME MANY EMAILS STATING THAT HE'S SURE "JOE WOULD LIKE TO BEAT THE CRAP" OUT OF HIM. (he must be psychic)
HE ALSO SAID "THAT'S OK. JESUS WAS CRUCIFIED BECAUSE OF THE TRUTH THAT CAME FROM HIS LIPS".
I HATE TO STATE THE OBVIOUS; YES, JESUS WAS CRUCIFIED. AND IF YOU'RE EVEN REMOTELY CONSIDERING YOURSELF AS ON THE SAME PLANE WITH HIM, CONSIDER THIS: THE WORDS YOU SPEAK NEVER CAME OUT OF HIS LIPS, AND HE HAD LOVE FOR ALL PEOPLE. YOU MIGHT WANNA WORK ON THAT FIRST.
- BBC said:
- For what it cost them to make them and send them to you they could have kept a woman from dying of starvation for another day or two by just sending the money to those that are trying to help.
- It only cost 25 cents a day to keep a woman or child from starving to death. Assuming aid can get to them: I LOVED THAT PART: nevermind. Enjoy your Christmas and the presesnts.
- answer: I bid FIFTY CENTS to the first one that beats the crap out of you. Now why don't you sell your truck, camper and topper and see how many quarters you can come up with...........what? I can't hear you.
- Now while you're doing your "spiritual good" consider doing it with your mind and stop your continual attacks of brutality toward other people who have just as much right to their opinion as you do for yours...........oh, and by the way:
- ~SHUT THE FUCK UP~.
You're fat, lose some weight.
- answer: Oh OUCH!! NOW you've gone and done it!
Dana, just delete the trolls. Don't even give them traffic.
Yes, delete me, it's not like I don't have my own blogs where I can say what I like and pick on you there with the truth.
answer: YOU HAVE NO MORE IDEA OF WHAT THE TRUTH IS THAN ANY OTHER SCHIZOPHRENIC WALKING THE STREETS WHILE WEARING THE ALUMINUM FOIL HATS TO KEEP THE RADIO SIGNALS FROM GETTING TO THEIR BRAINS.
You cause your own problems and considering how many problems you have, you really shouldn't enjoy them so much. And, I agree: you have your own blogs on SPIRITUALITY where you can "pick on me" with the truth. Man, there's an oxymoron wrapped up in a conundrum for you: (look it up) So be my guest.
BBC said....
I swear, how stupid can you monkeys get?
- oh oh....and then the cavalry showed up:
Dana, please forgive the following comment as this is the first time on your blog. Please delete this comment if I offend you or your readers.
***
BBC, why don't you stay on your own blog and stop your misogynism on women's blogs? You're damn right I'll delete your Troll comments on my blog: I can do whatever I want. You can't take that coming from a woman, can you?
You wouldn't know the truth if it slapped you in your ugly, wrinkled face. You use the term "truth" to excuse your nastiness to women.
I think Dana is beautiful. You're not. You don't know her, and you're calling her a spoiled brat. Who are you to tell her to lose weight? How shallow. Why don't you get a face lift? You're an old bastard that thinks women won't speak up to you.
You are so wrong in so many ways.- answer: Let's go give Stella a ride on the Pope Mobile. . . if BBC will let us borrow it.
@BBC
Damn old man how the hell did you get out of the rubber room?- answer: Trukindog is my newest Knight of the Realm and he has a fantastic blog that includes his dog Jesse.
BBC I think that stands for Big Bitchy C**t. Oh no wait that's too nice. I think you should be FUA aka Fucking Ugly Ass. I would call you an ugly old bastard but I don't want to offend any old people. Just you. Why DON'T you go talk on your own blog? Oh that's right because nobody reads it. You have to come to Dana's because you know she has lots of readers.
Well Dana you have your first hater, I think you've made it in the blogging world. Love ya mom.
Oh and tell dad to settle down. I don't want him to get blood on his hands.- answer: Sweetie, it's times like this that make your mama so glad that she didn't keep that appointment at the abortion clinic 27 years ago. Love, mom.
- (alrighty then......I have to ad here, for those of you having coronaries, Tiffany isn't REALLY my daughter, but she HAS been known to spend odd nights at the Holiday Inn)
Um, Dana, seriously, this is your blog, and you don't have to put up with people trash talking you in your own space.
To those of us who know more about you than what you reveal here on your blog, it is obvious that BBC knows nothing about you or the laughing courage with which you face life and the many challenges that are constantly in your path.
{HUGS}- answer: Revka is my OTHER pretend daughter. She seems to truly love me in spite of my alcoholism, criminal record, puppy mills and profanity.
Dana, this idiot BBC seems like the kind of person you want to bury under the outhouse. Trashin you is the only way he can get anyone to read anything he writes. I started to go to his site,, but realized that is exactly what the idiot wants. Ignore him. He is not even a fart in the wind.
- answer: Oh, but he's such a sweet and spiritual fart in the wind.
Dana, do you know what is so nice about BBC's comments? Now everyone knows his true colors. Do you honestly think anyone would go to his blog if this is how he acts on someone else's blog? I would not delete him either. I would let the world know that in order for us to understand these kind of comments he would have to pull his pants down, cuz we can't understand him with his head in his ass.
- answer: This is not one of my internet daughters. She's a boni fide internet SISTAH and I LOVED that last sentence!!!
SINCE I DON'T ALLOW ANYONE TO GO MESSIN WITH MY POSSE, BBC'S 15 MINUTES OF FAME HAS NOW ENDED.
____________________________________________________________________
ReformingGeek said... OUCH!
Kids listen to their parents at that age about as well as parents listen to their kids 30 years later.
manicmanicurist said... Laughing with you.. not at you or Joy... but shoot wouldn't you know if you are banned from going somewhere? something bad happens!
Megryansmom said... Aww come on drunken brawl makes me feel like a bad momma, can we say she was the victim of a drunken brawl. I'm in total denial here.
Deb said... let's just hope lesson learned.
tinsenpup said... I have sooo much to look forward to...
Betty said... I´m glad something like never happened to mine...yet!
Trukindog said... It's these special memories & stories that make me so glad
I HAVE NO CHILDREN plus I remember being a teenager and the crap I put my folks through.
SassyTwoSocks said... Are you a Pisces? Because I am too, and I totally have strong intuitions frequently that come true. I am a strong believer that people don't follow their gut instincts enough. Well done! (even IF your daughter ignored you). Talk about learning your lesson and listening to mom...
The Blog Fodder said... Your daughter might as well have been playing, maybe she would have been hurt less?
May-B played rugby in highschool (with the "Dykes on Spykes") but only ended up spending two summers on crutches. She didn't get everything broken.
Demeur said... I hope you told her to sit in the stands the next time she went.
As I figure it as long as they make it to adulthood with all their limbs in tack then you've done an okay job. They say breaks make bones stronger you know. :-)
Mike said... A guaranteed way to get a teenager to do something:
Tell them NOT to do it.
HumorSmith said... Holy touchdown. Maybe the players thought she was really cute and several of them decided to go meet her at the same time. In the middle of the game. While running at top speed. What? It could happen!
Gary ("Old Dude") said... There are men women and children, and then there are TEENAGERS. It always amazes me so many of them actually survive, what with the parents at a point of realizing how peaceful life would be if they could "lose" theirs. and your right its best not to know----on that the teenagers would agree. (lol)
♥georgie♥ said... GREAT this is what i have to look forward too???
I quit now then...I will send em to debs or jills cuz i would have freaked the freak out!
Misplaced Country Girl said... Oh man, if that had happened to me I would have just begged the doctors to kill me before my mom got there. No matter what they did to me couldn't compare to the pain my mom was going to inflict on me.
Queen-Size funny bone said... Teenagers are known for in one ear and out the other.
Teenagers are known for in one ear and out the other.
Quirkyloon said...At least you had/have connections what about those of us who have deal with the chilluns without that kind of great support?
I think I'd better start stock piling valium...anybody know a good website where I can get some without a scrip?
Please?
nikkicrumpet said...Usually you don't find out about these episodes until years later when they have kids of their own and then start telling stories....they know by then it's too late for you to kill them. I hope she learned to at least listen to her momma's premonitions!
Marilyn said... I am at a loss for words.......
That doesn't happen often.
DO not return the favor by wearing a vial of his blood around your neck.
I got a tattoo of a shamrock on my left brest during my third wedding.
Now it looks like old growth cedar.
The likeness is incredible.
If you ever go missing they can use Joe's torso instead of a milk carton.
I guess I had more to say than I originally thought.
nikkicrumpet said... Weird...David Beckham has a VERY similar tattoo of my mother on the exact same spot! It's an eerie world we live in...filled with eerie tattoos!
tinsenpup said... I may need to get one of those RedFlyer wagons.
ettarose said... Awesome Dana! Where is Lucky's picture? I am afraid to ask. It would have to "blend in"
Deb said... oh that's YOU?? i've seen that same tattoo on several naked men i associate with.
Gary ("Old Dude") said... Sure beats laying face down-----(lol)
Misplaced Country Girl said... Well I'll be damned. I don't know what to say about that! How did he manage to keep that a secret from you?
jill jill bo bill said... WOW! Too cool! Now all you need up there is those cows that can't spell always trying to make you buy chicken.
Quirkyloon said... So my inquiring mind wants to know...is there going to be a meal? Also while I'm asking, can I come?
No? Oh well, it couldn't hurt to try. Wait. What are you doing? Please put that gun away! NOW!
You're scaring me(silly)!
LOL
Chocolate Covered Daydreams said... I don't mind cussin' I just can't do it. My mouth doesn't seem to form the words. I think because the taste of soap and the smack across the lips did it for me. hehaha
Gary ("Old Dude") said... life is good??---and I'm there???---this is all there is? (sigh)
SWC said...Putting on a funeral is expensive enough, with the open bar and the personalized service for the deceased but to want party favors and a catered meal? That is just greedy.
Please.
I would offer to come over and knock some sense into these people, but it sounds like you got it covered, you hell cat.
Kick them where the sun don't shine!
Queen-Size funny bone said...Maybe you could start a new business get a catering truck and park it outside the church or funeral home.
- Megryansmom said...
Sorry for your loss where's the food. Nice!
MRMacrum said...I think multi-faceted might be a better description. Or at the least another way of putting it.
Let's face it, many people look at funerals in the same way as they do weddings - a chance to party on someone else's dime.
Granny Annie said...My family is threatened with some serious haunting if they spend over $750 for my send off. Funerals are a racket and their time has come. Say a prayer, cook me, sprinkle me. How hard can it be?
I'm a gambling gun totin' granny myself. I just can't get the cussing right. It always sounds rehearsed.
You are my idol you know.
Jane Doe said...Despite your hard-ass vigilante, Charles Bronson attitude I have given you the Lemonade Award!
All the best,
Jane- The Blog Fodder said...
I remember Charles Bronson when he was the foreman on Empire, the Sunday night pre-Bonanza western starring Richard Egan. I'm OLD.
A meal at a funeral? Lunch, of course, so people can pay respects to the relatives of the deceased but a MEAL?- jill jill bo bill said...
See, THAT is why I was voted Most Unlikely to Become A Preacher's Wife when I was in HS. If you had gone to my ex's church we could have run the joint. What fun we could've had...
- ReformingGeek said...
It's great that you're sharing the real you out here on the Interwebs!
Try this to save your voice:
Betty's dead.
Shot in the head.
Show up at the church
Pay your respects and get fed.
P.S. Please bring a casserole.
Concise and to the point.
Seriously, sorry to hear about the loss of a friend.
Julie said...I think you're perfect just the way you are.
(She knows my address and she packs heat. I am not pissing this woman off.)- ettarose said...
In the funerals I have ever gone to people send food. I agree with Grannie Annie. Screw the big funeral. I don't even want a makeover by them trainee hairstylists. I have 11 acres. Bury me at home. Just make sure you put big rocks over my plot so if the critters come looking for food the neighbors don't get scared seeing a fox running off with one of my legs.
Lorraine said...It's always those little sweet lookin ones you've gotta watch out for. Never know what will come out of their mouth or their purse in a pinch. I'm guessing you wouldn't be up to working in a school office either?
- ♥georgie♥ said...
I have this mental picture of Belle Star...
sorry for your loss
Tiffany said...LMAO I know I joke about you being my mom BUT I am exactly like that too. People think I'm the sweetest person ever because I'm always smiling and I'm shy. But I like to cuss. I know shocker huh? And I have everyone fooled. Muhahahaha And at least at my job, my boss cusses more that I do. I think that's where I picked up the habit.
- Betty said...
You sound like a person I would like to be friends with ... :) and I would like to be driving with you not against you... :)
Em said...Maybe you could stand at the door and greet people as they arrive for the funeral...gun in hand. :)
Thanks for visiting my blog! I really appreciate your comments.- The Blog Fodder said...
For some reason your Gay Mortician blog won't open for me (bad choice of wrods?) But I am reminded of the rather strange undertaker who was always in dead earnest.
- answer: Between you and dah old man, I can't wait for my gay mortician post either! I'll never understand how you saw something as it was being written under "create post".
- Marilyn said...
-
I have been sure to offer food and drink after every death in the family....
Deviled ham on saltines with some Jack Daniels or Hawain Punch, your choice.
A food cart for such events is a great idea!
I'm sure cussing in a cart outside the church is acceptable :} - Demeur said...
-
Nope definitely couldn't picture you as the church lady.
- Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...
-
What is it about funerals and food? But then again, there has to be some distraction away from the tears and sadness. You can use the napkin for two purposes...to blow your knows and wipe your mouth!!
You're still sweet but innocent? Don't know too many people that are! - Quirkyloon said...
-
Gah! I just responded to this post in the wrong comments section!
Boy this cyber world is really stumping me.
Sigh! - SassyTwoSocks said...
-
I think you should start a funeral-only catering business and you can have the catering menu on your blog, thus driving more traffic to it. Genius, I tell you!
-
Lilly's Life said... -
Thats kind of horrible to think thats the way people think? A free meal and a good cry? Hell, you are the right kind of person to take on that job, being well rounded and all.
- hellesbelles86 said...
-
Definitely a well rounded character who is just right... and always right with that gun in hand. ;)Maybe you should have made the notification in person so they didn't ask such silly things when they saw your gun- the nerve seriously.
- Gary ("Old Dude") said...
-
"Well rounded"__?? thats an euphemism for being weight challenged, pleasingly plump, ---or just plain fat. as for your perception that others see you as being the lil nice demur lady----well hello you DO write a humorous blog. (lol)
- nikkicrumpet said...
-
I'm sure I would have enjoyed this post...but my brain is still stuck on the wagon image....and my head HURTS!
- mumple said...
-
That 2 hr call to Walmart.com? I got applause for not swearing at them. There are people out there who think I'm lying about the no swearing thing, too.
Kickin' ass and takin' names is a calling, and not everyone can do it right. - tinsenpup said...
-
Who are these people? And what the hell is wrong with them? And why, oh why, am I STILL surprised by people's obnoxious behavior when surely I should know better by now?
Wonderful! I wanted to be so many things growing up. See this is what happens when you follow your dreams.
- answer: I HAD no dreams when I was young. A lot of nightmares, but no dreams.
Hey lookie, that's me over there on the left. Click people click, but unfortunately I have writer's block today.
- answer: Yes, Yes, you are on my BLOGGER'S BLOCK. Which means you have to maintain your status on MY blog or you're history.
WOW the visual I have of you and the wagon is hysterical.
- answer: This is KAREN of the "love the penis" reputation I gave her on this site and, yes, I imagine you CAN picture it, and you're planning your own dismount strategy.
I just found your blog and have become your follower. You are so funny and I love to laugh. Good combo, right?
Will be reporting about how I found you soon!- answer: I returned the favor and came to your blog. It's now on my BLOGGER'S BLOCK and you have to follow the same rules. Serve me well or you'll disappear.
I guess it all depends on whether the handle is up or down. Up is for solo steering and down, well, down is never good.
- answer: Well, we HAVE to have it in the up position because it gives me leverage.
so what happened to the "I want a gay Mortician" post----you delete it or what?
- answer: You SAW that? I was working on it when it mysteriously appeared on my blog for a second. JUST a second!
I still dont know wht i wanna be when i grow up....do we REALLY hafta grow up??? cuz i dont wanna! I wanna be a toys R us kid! and hve a giant giraffe named georgina in my backyard ;-)
- answer: Oh, if only there was a way to get you that giant giraffe. But would you consider naming it Lucy?
I came over from Reforming Geek's blog, never having read your blog before and now I have a great mental picture of two retired folks and a little red wagon. Priceless.
answer: In spite of that image that is now burned on your retina, will you be back?
you are one crazy woman. and he has nice looking cheeks.
- answer: THE most PATTABLE cheeks you've ever seen!! We're NOT talking about his face are we? Ok. I thought not.
Wow! Do you guys do it on those metal Speedaway sleds too?
- answer: Are you NUTS? We're OLD!
- ReformingGeek said...
Hum...don't think I've tried the Red Wagon position. ;-)
Great post and congrats on the retirement from rewarding careers and the next step into real living.answer: Why thank you Geek! And may I add that I hope to see you here more often
Tiggy said...A red 'passion' wagon, eh? I shall be trying one out
- Trukindog said...
Wow all I can say about this is...I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK DIRTY!
CONCERNING MOMS:
Dana, moms. Can't live with them, can't live without them. Or can you? I lost my mom when she was 47. I was made to feel ashamed because I did not have material things that showed the world you had made it. Yes my kids won't have to wait until they are older. They already blame me for anything.
I wish I could paste your life in mine with my mom and dad. Stories like yours only make me feel guilty for being blessed by a mother who studied every day how to be a better mom. That was her job and she was serious about it.
would love to know what your mother would have thought of me! All this goodness rolled into one big ball.
You should be proud of not only yourself, but yours sisters as well. The fact that you have at any point found happiness is a total accomplishment and I for one adore you!
I dont ever wanna grow up!
oooh that's a subject i have very mixed feelings about. i'll just say that i hope i am a different kind of mom to my kids than she was to me.
I don't have weed, but I came over from Vodka Mom, so that should do:)
Why the heck do you think I live in Canada :D
its a known fact that girls LIKE their fathers, so by definition its understandable that they have issues with their mom's. Now us boys on the other hand, well nothing beats home cooking, so we almost have to be forcibly evicted.
What, Mom didn't give you that book How to raise kids and impress the grandparents before she said "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out". How unthoughtful of her.
I come from a long line of good mamas. Probably why I didn't need to have any of my own spawn--no need to try for the "perfect" mother-daughter relationship.
A variation on Ettarose's comment:
Moms: Can't live with them, can't shoot them.
I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful mom. She only beat me on even numbered years when she'd let me out of the basement.
When I grow up, I want to be god.
But I'll settle for a good steak dinner now and again.
I work really hard to be the best mother I can be, but like you, I didn't have all that much to go on. I know my daughter will turn out great in spite of any mother-related stuff she has to deal with as a consequence of the deficits in my upbringing. I do like to think, though, that I'll have fabulously well-adjusted grandchildren one day.
I could probably score ya some smoke but it would cost ya a fortune in gas money for delivery, AZ. to IN. not just a skip across town ya know.
nikkicrumpet said... I'm sorry....I really am. It's just not right that someone like that gets to give birth!
I love the new slideshow. I think that's the first pictures I've seen of the hubba hubba hubby! It's great to put a face to the name. You guys are so dang cute together...I'm sure you hate it...but tough...YOU'RE CUTE! And I see you play the guitar...well I play the guitar hero so I'm sure we could seriously jam together lol
answer: Honey, that slide show has been there since the beginning. It was just REAL tiny. I enlarged it a few days ago. And isn't Joe the huggiest teddy bear you've ever seen!? I've been playin' the guitar for 40 years and I just might have a wee edge on you even if you DO play the guitar hero. cuz, (I do too). 
THE BOY'S POST:
Since mommy is
He's not the boy, he's da MAN!!
Cute, cute, cute- answer: You got dat right mama! Yeah. I'm da man!
And what a fine lookin' feller he is.
- answer: See mom? Everyone thinks I'm da BOMB!!
Hmmmm Crumpet wants to know if you're sure he's a boy...cuz he's thinking that's one hot looking dog!
- answer: nuh uh. Lucky don't fly on dat airplane. I'm a BOY!! Do I need to show you? ( I'm always willing.)
I'm with him, I need a nappy and I've only been up for 2 hours.
- answer: If mom don't mind, you can curl up with me and dad!
And Happy New Year back at him from all of us!
Rick, Kathi, Bonnie, Barkley, Brooklyn- answer: Dat's my posse ! Hey Bonnie! Barkley! Brooklyn!! (Brooklyn is HOT!)
Boy's don't get perms ;)
- answer: woof. . . . grrrrrrrrrr. . . . . *sneeze*
Love his 'doo! He is for sure da boy!!
- answer: Dis is mah Gang Doo !
I want to be him!
- answer: So duz everyone nice lady.
Awwwww I love the scarf!
- answer: You saw me and just mentioned my scarf?? If my daddy wuz nakid, would you just mention his mustache?
Hey Dana,
A little off topic but what's a nice girl like you doing around Spaz's place?? Does your husband know about this?answer: Mommy? Where at you been? oh oh
Aren't dogs the greatest? They love us like our kids are supposed to. Without fail.
- answer: no back talk neither. And I stay home too! oh. Iz that a bad thing?
that pic is so cute it makes my teeth hurt!! (lol)
what a little puff ball.
- answer: Hey lady. Puff on dis!! Puff ball. WTH?? I'm a BIG BAD BOY!!
Posts
BBC said...
You don't know me, you are just a spoiled brat that thinks you do. If your life goes to hell you will whine like a baby because you think you are so special.
Your not, you wouldn't make a pimple on Helen's butt. :-)